Blame & Confusion: Who’s Fault Is It?
When I decided to get divorced, I was very clear that I needed to leave the relationship. The clarity came to me quickly one day after yet another huge blowout with him. Yet again, he had walked away from the conflict stating that the issues in our relationship were my fault and there was nothing for him to work on.
As he walked away, I leaned against the wall and collapsed into a puddle of intense emotions. It was an explosive cocktail of rage, hurt, sadness, disappointment, confusion, loneliness and defeat. A few moments later, I found myself punching myself with one hand into the other arm. It was such a strange experience, such a strong impulse to self-punish and release the intensity of emotion and energy in my body. The impulse was so explosive and primitive, it wasn’t even a logical choice of where to land the fist that needed to move and make contact.
Later, I knew it was over. I knew that I could no longer put myself in a position of being so stressed and upset that I would want to hurt myself as a result. The clarity was powerful. I set up a 1st meeting with a therapist and told my partner if he didn’t go I was leaving the relationship. For fear that he would retaliate physically in telling him the relationship was over, I waited until that meeting with the therapist, told him minutes after sitting down and then left the meeting immediately.
Yet, in the months following and in the months leading up to this clarity, I struggled to maintain my clarity about who was to blame for the issues in the relationship. I knew that he was not taking an equal share of responsibility for taking care of our home. I knew that he was emotionally unable to resolve conflict in a healthy way. I knew that he was controlling and was hiding his alcohol intake. But I still struggled to shake the feeling that I was to blame for the relationship falling apart.
At the depths of my low self-esteem, trying to escape the pain and appear okay.
The confusion was consuming. I would flip flop between blaming him for his issues and blaming myself. Though for the years leading up to the split and a year or so after, I still could not name what I was doing that was to blame for the relationship issues. I would simply feel lousy and depressed and like it was all my fault. I cried daily about the pain and confusion.
It took years for me to build clarity about just what it was that I felt to blame for. Finally, it started to drop in: I felt ashamed that I chose to be in a relationship with someone that took advantage of me, that tried to control me, that blamed everything on me and gaslit me out of my truth and power. And on a much deeper level, I felt unworthy of a partner that would treat me any better. I just generally felt unlovable.
Today, I know that my general sense of self-esteem was very low when I entered that relationship. I had inherited a ton of intergenerational trauma and low self-worth from my family of origin. And since going through that divorce, I have been able to focus intensively on building my sense of self-worth and confidence.
The reason I am sharing this with you is two fold:
Confusion is an indication that you are trapped in limiting beliefs
You don’t have to stay confused, you can find your way to clarity as well as higher self-esteem and confidence - AND when you do, you will receive more respect, abundance and generally more of what you desire in life
Confusion is an indication that you are trapped in limiting beliefs
The confusion of who is to blame resides in every relationship EVER. We subconsciously seek out and attract those that can fulfill the opportunity for us to heal wounds while also feeling the familiarity of the types of relationships we have experienced in our past. The package of person we choose may be very different but the issues we are working through with them are often very similar to what we were working on (or wanting to heal) with our caregivers as children.
And because we choose a partner that allows us to heal wounds, our partner also embodies their own unresolved wounds. Their wounds beautifully complementing our own so that we may dance in the confusion together. And in an ideal relationship, you work together to come out of the confusion and to clarity with one another. Though, it doesn’t always feel like that in the moment of a conflict.
The confusion is a clue for you. Whenever you find yourself confused about who’s fault it is, that means there is an opportunity for you to grow into a higher level of self-love and development within you. It means there is an old limiting belief (inevitably relating to your self of self-worth) that can be healed and released so that you can expand into a greater version of yourself.
You don’t have to stay confused
As I mentioned, you don’t have to stay confused. There is a way out and more expansion and clarity to be had. So how do you come out of the confusion and find clarity and expansion?
Notice the confusion - acknowledge that you are confused rather than taking the easy way out and just projecting it onto your partner. Most often, we live in the endless loop of “you did this” or “I shouldn’t have done that” - external blame or internal blame based on our actions. But the healing happens elsewhere:
Sit with the confusion and feel it in your body - the confusion represents two opposing defenses - inward blame and outward blame. The first step to healing is recognizing the dialogue of the blame and how it lives in your body.
Identify the deeper pain - Once you are sitting with the blame, you might notice the deeper pain arise in your body. There may be waves of anger and other emotions but deep down, there is old pain that you are hiding from yourself and others with these two types of blame.
Let the deeper pain live and release - The most effective path to healing is letting the pain move through your body without trying to repress or reject it. Most often, we try to get rid of the pain. But instead, we need to sit with it and let it breathe, live and move out of our body. To honor our pain is the most wise and expansive choice.
Let new clarity drop in - Once the pain moves through, if you let it move completely out, you will organically start to have new, wiser, more expansive ways of thinking about the situation, yourself and the world. This is where the clarity and expansion comes from. It is not a logical process, it is purely through the body.
This is what embodied healing means. The steps above are your path to deep transformation. At times, you need a healer to guide you through and other times, you can do it on your own. When you can choose to look at what it is, in you, that is contributing to the confusion and conflict, you will find your way out bit by bit while growing your sense of self-esteem.
These days, I am still working on my confusion with my current partner. And I can confidently say that he is respectful of me, my energy and my love. We have a reciprocal relationship and we work together to heal our confusion. I have found so much self-love and abundance in examining the confusion over the years. I have deep respect for the invitation confusion provides for me. And I hope that now you will too.
P.S. - Just a few more weeks to sign up for the upcoming Mastermind program. It is for women like you and me, who want to understand their psychology, experience an accelerated growth process and want to tap into their confidence and power. If you are confused and want clarity, this is for you. The cohort starts June 2023. You can learn more about it by clicking here or you can apply for a free consultation by filling this out.
Comments? Feedback? Connect with me at kim@kimmassale.com!