Why We Are Too Depleted to Expand
We spend a lot of time shaming ourselves. And we don’t even notice because it is such a normal part of our thinking chatter - that background noise of thought that isn’t fully in the forefront of our minds, but is always back there taking up space and energy.
Here is a laundry list of just SOME of the things we are shaming ourselves for:
Not eating healthy enough
Netflix binging
Lashing out at our significant other
Drinking too much wine
Procrastinating
Not being kind enough
Not setting enough boundaries
Staying stuck in X relationship, X job, X pattern of behavior
Not exercising enough
Not being successful in dating, relationships, parenting, work, etc
Staying up too late or sleeping too much
Avoiding productivity and responsibilities
Yelling at (or reacting negatively to) our kids, pets, strangers, etc
Not keeping up with the house, chores, projects, etc etc
When you look at this list, you may start to realize how many balls are in the air. Just how much we expect ourselves to do on a daily basis. Here is another list. The list of things we expect ourselves to do WELL on a daily basis:
Work for 8 hours
Exercise
Eat well
Drink a lot of water
Take care of children and pets
Have a relationship with a partner
Have relationships with friends
Have relationships with family
Have relationships with self
“Do self care”
Take care of the house
Heal, transform and expand
Participate in any kind of hobby or activity
Sleep well
And while all of these items might be possible to smash into a 16 hour day, do we really have the energy for them all?
And who has determined that we SHOULD be able to do all of this in one day?
TIME VERSUS ENERGY
So often, we categorize our shoulds in terms of time, rather than energy. That list above of all that can be done in a day, could probably be done in a day if we look at it from the perspective of time. But energy is another story.
If we had the energy, we wouldn’t end up netflix binging while eating all the foods and drinking wine at the end of the day. If we had the energy, we wouldn’t be procrastinating. If we had the energy, we wouldn’t be lashing out at our most loved humans and animals.
Redirecting our compass of expectations for ourselves to energy is a tough task though, because our compass is currently set to societal norms.
SOCIETY SAYS
It is just like the game Simon says, isn’t it. If we don’t listen to Simon, we lose, we fail, we feel shame. In this case, Simon representing our cultural expectations. Of course, I know you are a smart and brave woman, because you are reading this and our community of women see things that others do not. I know you know that the white picket fence and Disney princess fantasies are emotionally toxic and based in the oppression of women’s power.
And it goes deeper than that. We are still very much expected to live up to a certain standard in our culture. That list of daily to-dos above is something we are told we should be able to do successfully without any sort of energetic strain or emotional reactions.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t. I can’t live up to that list.
Just looking at it makes me exhausted and makes me want to pick up my tablet and check the fuck out with some “Love is Blind,” a little chocolate and a glass of wine.
Whoever created this expectation is quite possibly out of their mind. Or maybe they just have all the money to create media that sells us more stuff - stuff that gives us the short term illusion of feeling less crappy about ourselves - and puts in a deeper financial hole - so we can hustle just a little more - to get out of the emotional and financial holes we keep falling into. A bit of a vicious cycle.
My point is, the expectations are actually impossible to keep up with. And those selling us those expectations are, you guessed it, the well off, privileged, white folks at the top.
CAPITALISM, PRIVILEGE & EXHAUSTION
In order to have the resources to be able to have the space to not be exhausted - to be able to outsource some of the shoulds and necessary responsibilities to be able to do the basics well (eating well, exercising, healing, relationships, housing) - you must have privilege (racial, generational wealth, educational) OR you have to work really fucking hard for it.
Really, most of us have to work really fucking hard just to be okay, let alone to thrive and have wild abundance in life. While those at the top are power hoarding, money hoarding - keeping the rest of the population limited.
And guess what, we are participating in their scheme. We buy the stuff, we hustle, we keep trying to live up to all the shoulds (that list at the beginning). We try super hard constantly to do all the things. And then what happens, we are depleted, exhausted, maxed out AND we are SHAMING ourselves on top of that for not being able to do better.
EXPANSION REQUIRES ENERGY AND SPACE
Expansion - growing into more of your potential, requires both energy and space. You must be able to prioritize the space to grow. It is difficult to create a plan for changing your life without making time to make that plan, right? If you don’t make space, your grand ideas may never come to fruition.
And when you are exhausted, you can’t rise up, you can’t be empowered or grow. You can’t jump out of the system we are trapped in and we can’t live to our full potential because our energy is simply zapped.
The reality is, you have to create a significant amount of space in your life in order to have the energy to break out of the system we live in. And you have to have the extra energy available to grow.
WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?
We are shaming ourselves for not doing enough, yet don’t have the energy to do more. We are trapped in a set of expectations we didn’t create for ourselves, but unconsciously follow. We are exhausted and therefore can’t reach our potential or change the system.
Then what the heck do we do?
Acknowledge the toxicity of your expectations - The first step is acknowledging that we are participating in a toxic system. That we are depleting our energy to reach some sort of unrealistic set of expectations that we have been told we should be able to achieve.
Stop shaming yourself for not being able to do it all - shaming yourself for the things on that first list I shared is just going to eat up more of your energy. When you don’t have enough energy, you will use self-sabotaging coping strategies. We all do and have to in this culture to get by. You are not unique or damaged - we all use these coping strategies to deal with our maxed out lives. Instead be intentional about taking time to relax, not DO and just be. Enjoy it, indulge and don’t shame yourself.
Get clear on your ACTUAL energy capacity - You can no longer run on empty. What do you ACTUALLY have energy for? Do you need to take a pause on certain areas of your life so that you can focus on others in order to grow?
Prioritize expansion - the creation of a healthier lifestyle - What would it take for you to create more space in your life? Space to imagine and take steps towards a much healthier lifestyle? Maybe you need to focus on getting a better job with more respect or income. Maybe you need to prioritize exercise over socialization? Maybe you need to focus on your relationships with your partner or kids, rather than your body image or career development, so that you are not constantly cycling in shame.
Do the work to jump the system - Finally, it is vital that you prioritize the process of being able to jump the toxic system. If you put some other parts of your life on hold for just one year and focus on your healing and development, can you imagine what might change in your life for the better? Can you imagine getting unstuck and rebelling against societal expectations to live a life you are proud of, where you have the time and energy to be generous, heart-centered, joyful and potentially to make a difference in our world?
To start, you could make a mini commitment today to this process. What would be the first step for you to break out of the toxicity and choose expansion?
Two years ago, I made a commitment to creating the space in my life to be able to blog and share empowering information for free on instagram - to support my community in breaking out of toxic living patterns and find their voice, joy, confidence and power. At the time it felt like a completely impossible goal. I had no idea how I was going to make it happen. Today, I sit here blogging away.
You can live a beautifully unique, out of the box life. You can break out of the system and finally get to a place where you are not constantly maxed out. And you can get to a place where you even have extra energy to create change in our community.
P.S. If you are sick and tired of being maxed out, I am ready to help you jump out of the toxic system and find your unique path forward. If you are curious how I can help you, you can schedule a quick 15 min zoom chat here to discuss!
Comments? Feedback? Connect with me at kim@kimmassale.com!