Imposter Syndrome
As a business owner, I have an intimate relationship with imposter syndrome. In the past, I might have called it my arch nemesis.
Imposter syndrome is the fear of not actually being the expert you say you are - fear of not being competent. It can show up in many aspects of your life, most commonly in your career, but it can also be a fear that you are putting out an image of yourself in life and relationships that is not true. That if you identify yourself as with a certain prestige or capacity, you are really a liar and cannot live up to that title.
Imposter syndrome and toxic femininity go hand in hand. We are generally groomed, those of us raised as women, by our culture to believe we are less capable, less intelligent, less likely to be able to be an expert or successful. Those conditioned to be men are groomed by our culture to believe they are capable, they are more intelligent, they are more likely to be an expert and successful.
These messages are both spoken (with wage gaps and the proportion of men to women in political power) as well as unspoken (boys are conditioned to be outspoken and dominant, girls are taught to be polite, kind and empathetic).
Additionally, our culture is predominantly run with a shame based motivation system. We learn in school to motivate ourselves by getting good grades and not failing. The issue with this type of system is that it implies that we should all be good at everything. And then when we are not, we receive a failing grade and a felt sense of shame. The reality is that we are not all good at everything. And motivating with shame leads to the development of the inner critic as an adult - the part of us that criticizes us and tries to keep us from fucking up. A better system for motivation is self-compassion, but that is a discussion for another day.
For now, understanding that our cultural norm is to motivate using shame - not fucking up - and that as women we get the double whammy of expecting to be less competent than men. And then depending on your other intersecting identities, you may have several other layers of oppression internalized in your body - all of which amplify the voice of imposter syndrome.
And if you are a business owner, it is impossible to disconnect your business from your identity and expertise, your sense of competency. Your business is dependent on your self-worth and competency.
With each new growth cycle, especially in your career, right before you hit expansion, you will be faced with imposter syndrome. It is not bad. It is important to see imposter syndrome as an internalized protection from the world shaming us for failure. You must understand that imposter syndrome will come up as an indication you are about to level up and you have yet to feel competent in this new level of functioning.
So here is what you can do when imposter syndrome hits:
Acknowledge that it is a sign that you are bumping up against a growth edge - this is good!
If you are feeling imposter syndrome, that means you are exciting your comfort zone and are headed to something new and more expansive. That means you will feel uncomfortable and incompetent at first.Remember that imposter syndrome is really just your internalized mechanism for protection.
Imposter syndrome is a protective strategy we use to avoid feeling alienated and embarrassed for being incompetent. Because we learned to shame ourselves as children, in order to motivate ourselves, our go-to strategy for coping with new growth edges is to stay small and not be seen until we know what we are doing. Except, living that way is limiting, depressing and exhausting. So that brings us to the next piece:
You don’t have to reject that part of you.
Just because you don’t want to feel imposter syndrome doesn’t mean you should try to repress or reject the feeling. Repression and rejection of feelings never goes well…. Instead, think of your imposter syndrome as a part of you that was established when you were young. When you were a child, you learned to protect yourself from feeling foolish and embarrassed while you were learning by not letting people see you make mistakes. If this child was your child, would you want her to hide her mistakes while learning? NO - you want to encourage mistakes as a natural and necessary part of the learning process. To praise her for trying, failing and then getting back up and trying again. To be seen for the beautiful messy curious soul that she is!
Finally - lead from courage and compassion, while loving on the imposter syndrome fearing part of you.
As we discussed, love on her. When she comes up, let her know that she is beautiful and worthy when she is making mistakes - when you are learning. It is safe to be seen in your vulnerable learning process.
And also, no need to lead your behavior and actions from the fear of being seen in your learning process. Whenever we know that we are having a reaction that is not aligned with our wisest intentions and goals, we must choose to be brave and lead from the wisdom, alignment and expansion rather than the fear and reaction. So, we lead from courage while tending to the fears that are coming up with compassion for ourselves.
Who knew we could ever find a way to love and appreciate imposter syndrome, right?!
The truth is, any reaction we have is based on a way we learned to protect ourselves. It doesn’t make the reaction okay. AND also, having compassion for those parts of ourselves is the way to live our healthiest and most expansive experience of life.
I hope this is helpful for you. As Spring arrives, our systems are naturally ready to energize for new growth. Inevitably, that will involve imposter syndrome. I am right there with you, welcoming and loving on that child part of me that internlized this strategy for protection.
And speaking of growth, I have just opened up spots in a new cohort in my Mastermind program. If you are curious, email me (just reply to this email) to set up a free 45 minute discovery call to chat about your goals and how I may be able to support you in reaching them : )
Comments? Feedback? Connect with me at kim@kimmassale.com!