Why are we so afraid of our anger as women?
Yesterday, I noticed a part of me wondering when I would stop being angry.
Like maybe there was some magical point in the future that I would no longer have to feel the pain of being angry.
At times, it gets old to be role modeling the embodiment of anger for women. Anger is obviously not the whole of me and I am often fielding negative projections from clients and randos on social media who are triggered by my role modeling healthy processing of anger. It can be exhausting for sure. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am happy to be a representation to all humans of safe expression of anger and power - especially for women and other populations suffering from various forms of oppression.
However, what is more important and more terrifying, is that there is still a part of me that tries to repress the anger that lives in me. And there is also a part of me that just wants the anger to go away, to not have to feel it anymore. After 15+ years of exploring my emotions, getting comfortable and in great relationship with anger - of supporting so many clients in embracing and loving their anger, I still notice moments where I feel the urge to repress the anger - moments where it either wants to be pushed down or it comes out as an outburst because I am overreacting to the fear of being judged for my anger or having my anger dismissed in that moment.
Like when I snapped at my partner - who was born as and identifies as a white male - yesterday for making me emotionally responsible for something I was not emotionally responsible for, a part of me immediately wanted to go to being small and feeling guilty instead of feeling and expressing anger for his crossing my boundaries. That part that wants to be the “nice, bubbly, easy going” woman that our culture wants me to be. Never be angry or “hard to get along with” or “difficult.” Allied with that part of me that wants to stuff down the anger, because it is tiring and I don’t want to be dismissed AGAIN by another man.
In the first few years of dating post-divorce, I repressed so much of myself for years, trying to appear attractive to the men I was dating. I pushed down my power, voice, seriousness, depth, spiritual connection, etc etc. But my self esteem was so very low while I was pushing it all down. And no matter how hard I tried to repress the true me, my authentic self could not be stifled. My body was in constant conflict because I both needed to be myself and felt I would not be successful or acceptable as myself.
As I pushed down my power and voice (as well as the other parts of me), I also pushed down my anger - as this was by far the least desirable trait of a woman - the angry feminist, right? And the truth is, for the vast majority of straight men in this country, I do believe and feel it was confirmed in my dating experience, that this previous statement is a true statement.
I have noticed how much the women I work with struggle to feel comfortable in anger. And how directly that is tied to some really toxic patriarchal expectations of women - like those that I encountered in dating. That women subconsciously feel the need to justify the anger away -
“I feel guilty for being angry” or
“I can’t be angry at this person because this person has their own history that makes them this way and they don’t know what they are doing to hurt me” or
“my parents will die soon and I don’t want to be angry at them”
similar to the deeper belief that occasionally bubbles to the surface in my sessions with clients: “if I express anger, they will dismiss me, gaslight me or reject me”
All these ego excuses allowing repressed anger to FESTER inside of us, eating away at OUR energy and limiting OUR potential, just so that no one tells us our anger is wrong?!?! They tell us it is wrong because they want to control us and tamp down our power. To not be rejected by someone that doesn’t respect our whole being? Someone that wants us to be quiet, voiceless, powerless, an object?
And guess what, I am fucking angry. Duh - of course I am angry that people have tried to keep me small, have gaslit me into thinking I was the one hurting them, that they have caused me to believe I should manipulate and abuse my body, etc etc.
I am seething with anger as I type - for all women, no, all humans that have been oppressed and brainwashed and abused into repressing their power. Fuck that.
Any time you are oppressed, whether it be by toxic patriarchy, by racism and white supremacy, by your religious community, by your partner, etc - your voice is silenced and anger is repressed.
As I have grown into my truth, my power, my voice, I have gotten into a very good relationship with anger. Not aggression btw, I mean anger. Like feeling and processing my anger safely, rather than lashing out or hurting others or internalizing and shaming myself.
And with each evolution I go through, my anger resurfaces. Because the truth is that any part of me that was repressed because society deemed it unacceptable, must be given a chance to live - to integrate into the whole of me. And each of those parts has been abused, silenced, rejected - their boundaries have been crossed - more than just boundaries, their whole being has been diminished.
Anger is the emotion of boundaries being crossed, it is action, it is power, it is healthy and necessary for healing. So as I experience each evolution, I connect with anger about being repressed (and how I have internalized that oppression) and then the anger moves through and I can integrate that part of me in acceptance, compassion and in holding boundaries with others clearly to protect my authenticity. (Side note, anger is the not only emotion in processing and expanding, but for the purposes of this blog, I am focusing exclusively on anger) These days, my anger has surpassed just my own being and experiences and has started to show up in reactions to what is happening in the collective. Racism and how racism lives in me. The destruction of our planet and how I have internalized and live out toxic choices.
And I have realized the anger is not going anywhere. Today, I made the decision to be true to my anger. Not only will I be angry, but I will actively and lovingly choose anger, as needed, as an access point to my power and compassion - for the remainder of my days on this planet. So that I can continue to shed the repression and oppression I have internalized in so many ways, in my life and in our world. And if someone doesn’t like it, then they are not meant to be part of my life. If people want to perceive me as an angry bitch, then I will wear it like a badge of honor. I know that my whole being is not anger. That accessing and safely processing my anger is what gets me in good relationship to my boundaries, better energetic balance in my body, my voice, more love, more joy, more pleasure.
I invite you to consider the ways you are limiting your power - perhaps in the form of rejected or repressed anger. Perhaps in other ways you have allowed our culture or others to tell you who you should be. What would it be like for you to integrate those parts of you that you have rejected because of other people’s judgments or because of made up societal constructs. What if you were unapologetically you - anger and all?
Your anger is your access point to your truth, your boundaries, your voice and, believe it or not, once it is processed safely, it is your access point to more compassion and understanding for yourself and others. After all, you can’t trust yourself and fully love yourself if you don’t know who you are and you can’t fully know who you are without processing the anger to find your boundaries AND boundaries are what tell us what is true for us.
So I invite you to set your anger free and find your truth and voice more fully. Let go of people’s judgment about your anger. Embrace and love your anger as a compass and friend.
Comments? Feedback? Connect with me at kim@kimmassale.com or comment below!