The Rollercoaster Ride of Entrepreneurship
*** disclaimer: I have decided I no longer give any fucks. ***
I was humbled by my soul today.
I am feeling raw. Like - should I cancel this next meeting bc my eyes are red and puffy and it may make her feel like we should focus on my stuff rather than hers - raw.
My inner dialogue sounds something like - Fuck. Here we are again? REALLY? I thought I had figured out my next step but that was just good old ego again. Crap.
The Truth
I have been trying to find a way to share all of this with you in deep authenticity and out of vulnerable fear of judgment, I have not. I am tired of that bullshit - the shying away from the truth for fear I may appear human, flawed and not able to land any clients because of it. So here goes:
Several weeks ago I launched a new offering in an attempt to do my part to break down inequality.
Over the last few years, I have been working through both my own toxic and limiting money beliefs as well as coming into clarity around how those show up in my business and the finances of the women in our country. Also how these practices - which keep some people thriving and others in deficit - are blindly and unapologetically taught (and received) by those that have gotten ahead and are comfortable in their privilege (both white and financial privilege). How I have allowed myself to be taught these practices and why.
I have been trying to come to terms with the toxicity of the mental health field, how I have contributed / colluded, and what I could possibly do to challenge it or at least operate ethically in my own work. I know deeply the truth that it is rare for experienced and very skilled therapists to work for insurance companies or offer low or free rates. Yet, as a therapist having been abused by the system for over a decade, I was completely out of bandwidth to personally offer accessible services and had even escaped the field altogether to break free of the toxicity.
While I do run an awesome accessible psychotherapy practice, supporting clients on Medicaid with highly skilled therapists, it still didn’t feel right that I was not trying to find a way to offer my personal expertise to clients with less resources and more unresolved trauma.
My Grand Plan
So I came up with this plan to create a membership program that was low fee and accessible. I could provide expertise while serving as many women as possible. To help women EMBODY their confidence, power, abundance and truth. And to naturally make the money doing so. I spent 2 weeks planning, creating and getting super excited. And I put it out to the world.
And you know what happened?
…… Crickets ……
There was very little interest in what I was offering. My energy was immediately zapped after putting my heart and soul into this offering with little avail. I was heartbroken. Why couldn’t people see the value in what I was offering?
The Meltdown
What did that look like at home - this is where I start being more honest with you - once I realized that this offering was not going to be a success, I spent the evening disconnected from my kids and feeling deeply heavy, sad and confused. Once the kiddos were asleep, I spiraled out of control with my partner. Because I have no interest in taking it out on my kids and there is a legacy of pain he has yet to repair in our relationship - it came out on him.
My feelings of failure and fears of not making enough income for the next few months were projected onto him. I spent approximately 90 minutes trying to impress upon him through aggressive tone and words just how ungrateful he is of our position in our lives. While I do know this is true and he does play an enormous role in this issue, in beautiful clear hindsight, post breathwork and reflection, I can see that I was targeting all of MY agitation about our finances and my business success on to him in those few hours.
I should also mention that we had been traveling and with family and my body and nervous system were exhausted and primed for a big old meltdown.
So I spent some time with it all. The next morning, after realizing there was no fire to the offering I had put out there, I slowed down with my body to get clear. It was, WILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
What did become clear was:
I was super disappointed that I was putting something out into the world that felt really ethical and important and very few people reflected back to me the value
Something about it wasn’t aligned for me
I had to shut it down
But what was misaligned?? Why was there no fire there? Was it me or everyone else?
I texted my coach and said “hey - so does everyone have a hard time with memberships or is it just me?” To which she replied “everyone - it is super hard and requires a really crazy launch process at least 4 times a year to be successful.”
While that provided me with clarity that this would be a huge commitment to get up and running. It didn’t soothe my confusion about what was misaligned. The urge to shut it down was huge and swift. I know if it was aligned, I would feel motivated to put in the work to build it over time into a success.
Finding more Alignment through Failure
After a fountain of tears, waves of rage and resignation, in my personal coaching and breathwork process, I was able to begin to connect with the misalignment.
Oh right - that old fear of financial ruin. Oh and yes - I was following what I know will go well - what is safe. Like a reunion with some of my least favorite childhood friends, the consciousness of what I was doing dropped in.
Okay - so I am still creating from fear of not having enough money and fear of taking a bigger leap into what I REALLY want to be doing. I am still bypassing true alignment to feel emotionally and financially secure. My energy is still too scattered and depleted to provide this offering right now.
No, that isn’t the whole picture. I do believe in what I was offering. But is it in full alignment for me, no. I know that offering will both provide powerful meaning for me and women, while also proving to be a pretty low maintenance offer. And I do want that. But if I really listen more deeply to the whispers of my body and soul, the whispers quickly become clear, firm and wise.
My body is craving focus on me first. I have spent so many years entangled in a toxic industry and with depleting relationships to people, the world, life and myself - and whether I like it or not, I am not done recovering from the burnout and pain. And maybe I never will be?
My soul wisdom is saying:
I want to drop off and pick up my kids from school everyday
I want to make art and exercise
I want to focus on creating an even more powerful psychotherapy practice where clinicians and clients have a space to grow into their power as women (and maybe bypass some of the pain I experienced in the field as both client and professional)
I want my partner to worship me with gratitude and love because I truly embody that next level of self love
I want to stop trying. To let go of any remnants of selling, filtering, hustling and just plain trying and just be me - to release the shoulds that got so deeply embedded in me as a psychotherapist and professional (maybe finally donate my fancy DC wardrobe?)
I do not want to create any new ways of working until I know I have released financial fears as a driving force behind my choices
I need to energetically recover and therefore need to keep reducing my work hours for at least a period of time UNTIL I know where I truly want to go
The New Plan of No Plan
So today I commit to 2023 being the year that I stop trying and be me. That I finally and fully put my body and soul first. The year that I finally choose to have a healthy relationship with my partner and fiercely prioritize the connection I crave with my kids.
To be clear, this is a terrifying commitment. It puts me in the bucket of financial loss rather than gain for the first time in many years. And creates the possibility that I may lose touch with my craft, lose business and/or most scary of all, I might realize I don’t want to do this work at all anymore.
A week ago, I would not have been able to write these points out and I may have even resisted them as potential options. I would have been afraid to consider them.
But today, after some really intense processing, there is no way I can go backwards.
I feel clear in the uncertainty of my business and sticking with the uncertainty until there is certainty.
I hope that reading this serves you in your process.
For you to know that you are not alone in the rollercoaster of personal and business/career development.
To know that you must be relentless in your commitment to growth, no matter what people around you are doing.
To see the toxicity, self-care, failure and possibilities, and to trust your body and soul.
It feels important for me to share while I am challenging my fears of losing my coaching business. I hope to share myself more authentically, without a thread of agenda around income.
I am excited to see how this letting go opens up more growth in the psychotherapy practice I run (my other business) and in my own career path. I truly have no idea what is next - maybe I will go back to my undergraduate roots of making art, maybe I will just read for like 3 years, maybe I will decide to just manage the psychotherapy practice, maybe time to recover will lead me to elevate my coaching work and create something more powerful, who knows. But for now, I want nothing to be next, for however long it takes. To stop creating and coast - bask in spirituality and wellness in my body until I truly want to do something else.
I am committed to continuing to share my journey with you, regardless of where it takes me. I will continue to share tips, tools and anecdotes of my journey to support you in tapping into your power as a woman. Because it is clear to me that this is my favorite part of my career thus far - connecting with you through our collective experiences and growth. And after a very tumultuous and painful week, I am excited to see what expansion arises from this surrender process.
Comments? Feedback? Connect with me at kim@kimmassale.com or comment below!